back to work

its been awhile since i last came back from the trip

haven't gotten the time to add an entry

didn't really feel that there was much to say

since i was just, trying to adjust back to work

not that it was tough adjusting...

perhaps its more like i didn't feel like it...


was thinking of a few things lately

not exactly very happy with my personal conclusions

but seems like, they are the right decisions

often, the right decisions are hard to follow through with the right actions

and the body is too weak while the mind is willing


one of the decisions of not getting too committed in life...

of thinking twice of what i truly think is what i want,

and then the thought and question of trust and sensitivity

the idea of friends and foe

true and false

real and unreal

you or me...


office feels kinda quiet without a partner

she's been sick, for a while now...

touch wood its not a curse of the company

of whatever happens...

well, to begin with, the company was made up of workaholics

she didn't change us, we just made her look like she is the slave driver

but in reality, we just use her as an excuse...


melancholy thoughts are all over the head...

Don't feel the need to brush them aside

neither the desire to freshen the spirits...

let me lie here in the silent waves of mercury detachment

sinking me with the weight of its dense unhappiness

i feel neither rock bottom nor afloat...

just gently locked in the inbetweens of loss and rapture


slow movements brings about calmness of the mind

slow verses staleness,

blink

i watch the rest of everyone move ahead and behind

staleness verses a waste of effort

i stayed in the same axis

from the beginning to the end

indifferent i paused and let the dense emotion overwhelm me

it didn't move me

i remain the same...

from the beginning to the end

...end.

sleepless.

I'm tired and yet, i find it hard to sleep.

doesn't help that i have no one to find comfort in but the animals

and of all days, the animals are not offering any either...



the day started off well, met a friend for lunch

had a hair cut and attended a wonderful wedding

decided that the night was still young and went for coffee to end the great day...

until i met a friend i haven't seen for 4 years...



secretly as much as i try to make it seem like it doesn't bother me as much as it should

it does... and for the last 4 years

the only thing that comforts me and puts me at ease, i can't have for tonight

and this depressing feeling is pulling me down with sleeplessness




is it hard to believe that she mattered to me in ways i didn't think possible?

that i really treasured her friendship and that she was more than just a friend, she was like a sister to me?

that i enjoyed every minute we spent together and had sometimes wished it would never end?

is it that hard to remember those days?

that those weren't lies but i just dealt with an issue so badly

and in the midst of bad decision making I accidentally left her behind with the rest of the world I was avoiding?



I was confused, and all I wanted to do then was to run away and take things into my own hands

I didn't know how and what I should do, i just did whatever I knew

which obviously, I didn't know much... did I?

To have caused her enough pain to never consider our friendship again...



for years it has never failed to haunt me

and now i still don't have the courage to talk to her

nor cast away my sadness whenever i think of her

sigh.

where is my source of comfort when I need it?



;_(

ny

will she be like you?

Was looking through the entire place for an old passport

and i came across some old pictures that i wanted to keep before

pictures of the little and younger days of her.

Was also thinking through about the conversation i had last night...

will i ever be ready or 100% prepared for another life?

but who is to say i am or i am not?


sometimes i catch myself imagining a little one who is half of me and her...

and i wonder if its possible to have such a balance...

and frankly, i yearn for the day to come.


for now, i'm planning, saving, and hoping.

we'll see.

and while we wait,

i'll go on dreaming.


ny.

control freak :)_

someone commented the other day after looking through my blog that my trip couldn't have been bad

since my pictures looked rather fruitful...

well, if you consider the fact that i was on a holiday for 3 weeks

and only have 4 days worth of pictures to show

don't you wonder what exactly was i doing for the rest of the 2 weeks?

Plus, if you have seen the previous entries... esp the trip to bangkok...

the trip was only over the weekend, look at the amount of images i took...

it kinda tells, don't you think?



anyway, putting the past behind...

i'm glad that everything is over and i'm again in full control over whats happening around me.

yes, i have to agree...

it wasn't the trip or where i stayed or what i ate that was causing all the misery...

it was just one fact:

I wasn't in control.

i still have a couple of images that i took to put up, but for now with work piling

and life returning to its old ways...

i thought I should update an entry before i could even barely find time to sleep again...


then again... with my new year's resolution firmly in place...

i'm going to lead a balanced life.

i insist.

i am in control here.

Ha.


ny.

personal faves

Cottage stay, what a wonderful day.

you know how it is when you flip through some of the country magazines

and you see all the nice cottages with all the vintage furniture and you wonder

wow, it would be nice to stay in one of these... not for a long time, maybe a day or two...

a nice stroll in the greens, a relaxing soak in the tub with all the wonderful smell of flowers

old jazz playing in your ears, along with the birds and nature sounds...

won't it be nice?



yes, it is very nice.

and yes, thats exactly how it is, whatever your imagination is about the cottage stay...

though i must say, some of the vintage pictures they hang on their walls can be rather scary.

and when night time falls, it gets a little creepy if you're all alone.

but hey, if you're alone, you won't be needing the cottage stay to begin with.



We took a long stroll in the park in the afternoon

wanted to buy some food to cook for dinner but ended up with breakfast bacon and eggs for dinner...

a great big tub for a relaxing soak and hot tea in the balcony to end the day...



the plan for the next day was horse riding and trout fishing.

was advised not to do both in the same day as it would be really tiring

ignored the great advice and did it anyways

guess who have muscles aches in places no one thought possible...



well, the stay here in Melbourne is definitely much better than anywhere I went in Australia

the people here are much better but mainly cos i get to go about more

and she's got more time for me rather than divided attention...

but as the happy times slowly creep into my holiday

the sad news of going home is ringing loud in my ears.

thats just life isn't it?

you always get the good with the bad.



tomorrow is my last day to get around,

i hope i can get more pictures but well...

i don't ask for much, just so long I get to enjoy myself, its good enough.



I have made a few new year's resolutions...

when i get back home, here is a list of things i'm working on

1. slowly but surely, start working on going home early. Maybe for the 1st few months

I'll get home by 11pm, and slow as time passes, earlier until i get to 6pm.

2. plan my weekends and ensure that i catch up with people and spend quality time with them

3. get my bloody driving license

4. spend more time with the kids

5. learn a new skill



well, just a short list so its manageable and achievable

i'm not exactly sad in going home, just sad i'm ending a holiday break

looking forward to meeting my animals again

and finally having a proper new year party with my family.

well, life can be beautiful isn't it?

well, after all the hell i went through, it better be beautiful now...

Ha.

newtown that kept my sanity in check

the only night in sydney that was memorable and kept me sane...

the rest of the nights in sydney are not worth mentioning nor remembering...

i hope they get out of my system soon enough

and not haunt me for the rest of my life.

Met adeline and her gf, thanks to them, i had a great time and saw how beautiful Sydney really is


was really blinded by my stay and traumatized by what i saw... initially.

guess they were right, whoever comes to holiday in sydney and stays in the suburbs?

well, lets not go there and only remember the beautiful things worth remembering...

more pictures of Melbourne Cottage stay coming in the next entry...

for now, thanks addy and jules for making things memorable.

I love newtown.

cheers sydney newtown!

Holiday Pictures...

Some pictures that are long overdued.

as you can see, there aren't much of them.

I have some cat pictures to put up too. won't write much here, will write an update... tomorrow.

stupidity.misery.regret.

there are no words that can be used to describe my stupidity, my misery and my regret.

i hate everything and everyone.

i miss my animals and I miss home only.

to hell with the rest of you.

i hope you all are as miserable as me

i hope you guys sleep lesser than me

i hope you guys eat far worse than me

i hope you guys will do stupider things than me, like paying for my misery

i hope you guys cry yourself to bed more often than me

and be immersed in this sense of inability and lack of control in a situation that you stupidly place yourself into

i wish we all rot in hell.

i hate my holiday


:_(


ny.