Its seriously been while haven't it?
Not just about the blogging, but its been while for many things for me.
I haven't been to the movies where I caught a really smart show
which will keep me up thinking and replaying and just... feeling like I was in the plot...
I'm not sure if anyone knows what I mean, but its one of those nights, that I know I'm going to be kept awake... restlessly.
Been looking at my blog, been making attempts in putting an entry but, you have no idea how hard it is.
Work has been taking the life out of me, so much so that I really feel dead.
I've been thinking about many things, reflecting about things when I find moments that work can't demand of me...
Wondering when was the last time I felt... free.
No, this isn't one of those blog that I would bellyache about life and work and how unhappy I am about the situations I face
its just one of those reflections that I need to put into words
perhaps hoping that with words, I can understand myself better, and perhaps in understanding myself better
I feel free... just alittle.
Hmmm... Where should I start? So many things happened over the period of 3 months
thats about 90 days plus worth of thoughts and reflections to share in one new blog entry...
Well... I'm just going to start with the latest management meeting I had with my partners.
Things haven't been going too well for me in the office and I guess the other day things got out of hand and i blew it.
i snapped. I know I needed to talk to them about things, but i did have things so controlled within me
I din't know what really was I feeling until I started talking.
And as I went along telling them about the things I felt and was bothering me, I actually got quite emotional.
Of cos if you knew me as a friend, you would know I could have hid it well.
What bothered me alot was in the conversations I had that day, I came to this fact that maybe, I'm just not good enough.
I'm a very competitive person by nature and I compare myself with people be it I like it or not.
Yet, at the same time, I hate being compared to with another person by another person.
I feel insulted and violated.
"Who the hell do you think you are to make a comparison of me with another and judge me with what you see..."
and thats what I feel nowadays at work.
I feel that I'm often compared to with people way beyond me, and sometimes, judge as less when compared to my peers.
And yes, I feel insulted and violated and angry.
I told my partners about the feeling of just doing things the way we thought to be right, just ike when we started the company...
to do things the way we know and only need to know so long we get the work done.
I was happy cos there was no way we could compare ourselves with anyone or anything, we were in our own league
in an ignorant manner... and one of my partners hit the nail when she said, "Ignorance is bliss"
Perhaps I disliked the fact that I'm judged and compared with cos I can't handle the truth
Cos I hate to lose and cos I can't live up to the fact that I just... am not good enough.
Its been a while since I am full of myself.
Its been a while since I know I am me and thats all that mattered.
Its been a while I stop trying to be someone else but me.
Its been a while that I love me for me.
The habit of comparing is so unhealthy.
No matter how good you are, when compared, there will always be another better
another faster even if you beat your own last record, there is always another faster runner's that you will have to try harder to beat...
And always, you can never be good enough, cos always there is the other better one you need to outdo...
Try harder friend, keep up the good work but do your best, the good is not good enough
Maybe thats what is making me unhappy as a person.
I suddenly remembered why I went into a depression once, when I was back in school...
I was doing my final year project and was heading into a good start...
I decided to take on the topic of Political Illustrations and started well, impressed some lecturers and was all confident that I would score with it.
Until I dug deeper into the entire topic and started comparing...
My work, my ideas, my illustrations to the entire world's.
and that was it. I started the project but never finished it.
I couldn't even touch my work to complete it even if it meant not being able to graduate.
I was just not good enough.
The question is, not enough in comparison to what!?
WHY DO WE HAVE THE EXPECTATIONS OF BEING PERFECT?
WHO TAUGHT US TO THINK THAT WAY?
I would like to have a cure to that manner of thoughts.
I would like to be free from it.
Cos its been a while...
me running in circles.
ny.
