slanted reasonings.

I know a few people read my blog, and frankly am embarassed at the thought of putting down

words that simply says I'm vulnerable, weak and in need.

Neither do I like the idea of people knowing how foolish I feel about myself

how low i can get and how stupidity hurt i am.

however, the truth remains as it is.

I am.



Besides feeling like the fool, now I am the foolish artist.

obviously in this role, i'm supposed to paint it all down

the hurt, the pain, the translation of tears

into a masterpiece of art

which will only bring me returns after i'm dead...

yes, up to now i'm still in the state of mind to be money-minded. ha



i can't help but to feel used.

I'm not saying I am, I'm saying I feel.

when all i hear seems like slanted-objective reasonings

I can't help but to think perhaps it was one-sided for some time now...

Objective analysis about our relationship don't tell me that I matter

i am, afterall, not an object

and i always thought what mattered at the end of the day was

we could imagine growing old together

maybe I tot so, myself



I asked a few friends lately what do they understand about the term love

if they agreed that when you love someone,

you don't have any excuse of letting them go

no matter.

Should they actually change in character, in thoughts,

in actions that might not be exactly for the better

do you leave them and say, she/he wasn't the same person I fell in love with

or do you cling on and know that your commitment and love will surpass its uphills and downhills?



All the mentioned problems had no suggestive solutions,

it seems like the problems were made to be unsolveable

it din't seem like she wanted solutions,

perhaps she just needed justifications

it wasn't even a consideration of quitting work and

making the relationship work

but it was lose the relationship, work remains important.

She will leave the country when work allows her,

i'm not a consideration

She will call it quits in the relationship when problems arise

Love isn't a consideration

No one needs justifications for the lack of reasons to stay together,

the answer is obvious

maybe thats what hurts the most.



I cried myself silly in the shower

and i told myself

I don't need anyone's comfort

anyone's company,

anyone's words of advice

nor anyone's pity

or perspective...

I just need my old self

The self who said she will never let anyone hurt her

She will never need, depend or rely on anyone

the one who was always careful

always cynical, always ready to push away when necessarily

The one who knew when to close the doors, and which to close...

its my fault i let myself in

the door should have been kept closed



Well, i should get used to this

the "getting to know you all over again"

with myself.

there is no one i need to know better

than myself.

I will be happy and dreamy again

by myself.



I am.

Sloppy work, I can't stand.

As a boss, as a creative director,

as an artist, as a person

i can't justify sloppy work

just because we're getting too comfortable in the place we are in.

I work hard to make life easier for you,

take the load off you, extend the deadlines,

and ensure you have a conducive environment

you get comfortable,

happy and

sloppy...

Whats the logic?



If I can redo your proposal in ten minutes

If I can rephrase your words in ten minutes

Can I also replace you in ten minutes?

I'm afraid so.



Don't give me sloppy work.

Totto the tyrant, Momo + mutt2

Mui's birthday pictures

It was mui's birthday celebration dinner and I happened to have a camera.

here is an image of her opening her presents, apparently everyone there had a birthday gift except me.

so i took pictures. wasn't familiar with the camera, felt umcomfortable.

mui looked like she had fun opening the presents, i'm not sure what exactly did i pay for

but i know for sure in all the picts, she din't look like she din't like any of them

so thats a good sign.

The next role to play, an artist.

Moving into my own room, having alot of space and time to myself isn't necessarily a bad thing

Though I wish being in a relationship allows me to have the joy of both

time and space for myself, and with a partner.


The last role played was apparently, a fool.

Now with time for reflection and deep thoughts,

i was reminded of the artist i always wanted to be.

Yes, granted that being a designer sometimes labels me as an artist too

but an artist, who paints and lives in her world of make beliefs and having her own gallery!

Exciting.


I was planning to have one sometime by the end of the year

but hey, plans are plans

and for an artist, timelines are the worse enemy to creativity

Ha! What a good excuse.


The thing is, living in my own room now reminded me of a lot of things

I used to have my own room living under my parents

and I would pack everything, everything that I owned into that room

including shoes, shampoo and even food if possible, yes imagine that.

When my parents are home, I feel like I went home for a visit

And when left alone, being in the room alone

I imagined myself to be overseas, independant.


I imagined the friends I would have, friends I already have

and the possibilities endless

yes, for now, I am an artist who lives off bread and butter

since I am broke, such a role don't seem difficult to handle

yes, i shall put up some pictures soon.

pictures of my pets, my work and liviing spaces...

within the room.


ny

The next role to play, an artist.

Moving into my own room, having alot of space and time to myself isn't necessarily a bad thing

Though I wish being in a relationship allows me to have the joy of both

time and space for myself, and with a partner.


The last role played was apparently, a fool.

Now with time for reflection and deep thoughts,

i was reminded of the artist i always wanted to be.

Yes, granted that being a designer sometimes labels me as an artist too

but an artist, who paints and lives in her world of make beliefs and having her own gallery!

Exciting.


I was planning to have one sometime by the end of the year

but hey, plans are plans

and for an artist, timelines are the worse enemy to creativity

Ha! What a good excuse.


The thing is, living in my own room now reminded me of a lot of things

I used to have my own room living under my parents

and I would pack everything, everything that I owned into that room

including shoes, shampoo and even food is possible, yes imagine that.

When my parents are home, I feel like I went home for a visit

And when left alone, being in the room alone

I imagined myself to be overseas, independant.


I imagined the friends I would have, friends I already have

and the possibilities endless

yes, for now, I am an artist who lives off bread and butter

since I am broke, such a role don't seem difficult to handle

yes, i shall put up some pictures soon.

pictures of my pets, my work and liviing spaces...

within the room.


ny

shining crystal ball, speak to me.

Was reminded of a horrible dream I had last night

I was peeling off some burns that were leaving my skin looking raw and pinkish

It didn't hurt, but it looked really contrasting and disturbing

I wonder if my dreams are trying to point me in certain directions

and if dreams do speak about the future, and I have the talents in learning about past and future

i want to be like the gypsy with the shining crystal ball.


"Come, come, and let me do the readings of your life

Let me see beyond your physical into the spiritual

come, and let me read through you with my shining crystal ball

I promise I will not hide any secrets and tell you the truth

for a little fee, you will know your future and past

with my shining crystal ball..."


I wonder if gypsies can actually see their own life through the ball

I wonder what kind of secrets do they keep behind the gift of looking into the past and future

A curse or a blessing?

perhaps when gifts or talents become a profession

everyone will find it a chore

anything is a chore when one is dependant on it to make a living


oh well, i should add into my collection of things

a shining crystal ball.

the character I play, the fool.

Have you ever found yourself clearing or packing your things and start to realised

how many of those things you thought are yours, are not

how many of those things you thought are important, are not

and how many of those things you thought you cherished, are not valuable.


I'm a collector of useless, inexpensive and redundant things in my room.

At least I've come to realised today while packing and moving out of the main room to another room.

Yes, I've been kicked out and now have my own room.

I've also come to realise today that the character I've been playing lately is none other than a fool.


I feel like the fool who lost everything in one day


The story being so long I rather not go into the details except the fact that

I feel like I no longer have anything or anyone.

Its not so much that things were taken away from me, but a realisation of the truth

that i have nothing and no one, not my family, not a loved one, nothing.


Not sure if anyone knows what I mean but yes, I feel like a fool who thought she had everything once.

The truth, maybe I never did in the first place.

Once played a fool, perhaps always one

yes, I am a fool.

The full realisation of this truth doesn't make me feel good,

no, not at all.

what can be worse than a sadden, heavy-laden, disheartened fool?



ny

A new me?

I realised most of everyone's blog for the new year is either " New year new beginnings" or "New Year's resolutions", etc

Perhaps I should write a new me.



I'm way behind for blogging about the new year, its like a whole week into the new year and I'm still at the tip of talking about it.

I don't really have any new resolutions, no plans of what can possible be better this year.

I caught myself thinking, when I was chatting with an old friend just the other day,

perhaps I should be a new me.



Forget about the old, forget about the good and the bad me,

Lets start from scratch, who should I be?

There is no comparison when you start all over again.

So, let's see what we can work with this new me.



To begin with, I am 27

I'm free to do bascially anything and everything I please,

I have a partner who loves me dearly... or so I choose to believe

I don't mind living in denial, and I love to create and re-create life.



Perhaps this year my life can be like multiple scripts.

Scripts filled with different characters and scenes I can choose to perform as and when I please...

Not like anyone will be able to tell the difference of which is truely me, I doubt even I myself can tell.



Yes, let's do that.

Let's role play the whole year.

Every week a new character.



Let's see how that will work out on my self-knowleadge & realisation

Will I become lost and confused?

Will I become shallow and common?

Is this what we already are doing everyday in our lives... this role play of being someone else in our minds?

Have I already started this game even before I realised?

Who am I to have disposed of the old me?

Who was the old me?

Who is the new me?