Dilemma?

I'm hurt cos I care,

I hate cos I loved,

I'm numb cos I felt,

I'm sad cos I wanted.



I'm not happy today.

I wish the feeling would go away.

I should, be self sufficient.

I hate this feeling of a need...

a need to be reassured and yet found nothing

waiting for me when I open my arms

nothing but a cold breeze

blowing in my expectant face

send shivers down my spine along with tears down my eyes.

I'm not happy today, demmit.


ny.

Old words.

Was going through some of my old entries in my journals

found some interesting reads

felt some painful memories

relived some humourous scenes

overwhelmed with emotions.



Here are some words extracted ::


to speak without words,

to fly without wings,

to play without things.

- June 1996



You're leaving with the better deal

You're looking forward while I'm stuck with our past

Still storm raging in my heart

Involuntary welling of silent tears

Quiet convulsive gasping in thoughts

Spastic containment of indignation


It hurts cos you don't hate me

It hurts cos you don't want me

It hurts cos you're moving on

while I'm hopelessly trapped with our past

Letting go is such a difficult task

Yet I know its not an option, its a must

It hurts to know that it doesn't hurt you anymore to see me cry

You rather walk away then to wipe those eyes dry

It hurts cos you don't love me anymore

- June 1996



Swirl for me coffee brown

Keep me awake through the lonely nights

Swirl for me coffee brown

dance me to dawn's first light

Your tones of warm shadows carassing me in this cold plight

Swirl me round and round, your bittertaste let it bite

Swirl for me coffee brown

- June 1996

Sinking Bed, empty pockets, overwhelming workload.

Things are really looking up. Yea right.

No really. They are. Moving has done me tonnes of good.

I am generally happier and to a certain extent, more productive.

BUT, now to explain the title of

SINKING BED ::

We bought a new bed for the new place and as much as its new, wonderful and supposedly good...

I feel like I'm sinking when I sleep which causes me to be nauseous.

I haven't been sleeping well, thanks to the bed and work...

been dreaming of different scenarios of work systems, friends' conversations, and daily routine

Like its not enough when I wake to face them all over again.

Yes, I'm tired.

EMPTY POCKETS ::

Christmas is round the corner, moving cost us a bomb, we basically burned a big hole in our pockets.

OVERWHELMING WORKLOAD ::

Who the idiot said that work's quiet over the month of dec!? Oh hang on, I think I did...

As much as I love the pace, I am overwhelmed.

Which explains the tiredness, and dreaming of redundant things which I will face again when I wake.

See my frustrations?

Yes, I owe putting up pictures of the new place.

I will, as soon as I can...

Did I mention that totto has been very sweet ever since she was brought back to stay with me from the office?

The dogs are going crazy with the space they are given to run, I do feel happy for them.

Oh no, I got to head back to home from work, they are delivering the sofa.

I hope I can sleep tonight, think it helps if I sleep with a life bouy?

Donation anyone?