slanted reasonings.

I know a few people read my blog, and frankly am embarassed at the thought of putting down

words that simply says I'm vulnerable, weak and in need.

Neither do I like the idea of people knowing how foolish I feel about myself

how low i can get and how stupidity hurt i am.

however, the truth remains as it is.

I am.



Besides feeling like the fool, now I am the foolish artist.

obviously in this role, i'm supposed to paint it all down

the hurt, the pain, the translation of tears

into a masterpiece of art

which will only bring me returns after i'm dead...

yes, up to now i'm still in the state of mind to be money-minded. ha



i can't help but to feel used.

I'm not saying I am, I'm saying I feel.

when all i hear seems like slanted-objective reasonings

I can't help but to think perhaps it was one-sided for some time now...

Objective analysis about our relationship don't tell me that I matter

i am, afterall, not an object

and i always thought what mattered at the end of the day was

we could imagine growing old together

maybe I tot so, myself



I asked a few friends lately what do they understand about the term love

if they agreed that when you love someone,

you don't have any excuse of letting them go

no matter.

Should they actually change in character, in thoughts,

in actions that might not be exactly for the better

do you leave them and say, she/he wasn't the same person I fell in love with

or do you cling on and know that your commitment and love will surpass its uphills and downhills?



All the mentioned problems had no suggestive solutions,

it seems like the problems were made to be unsolveable

it din't seem like she wanted solutions,

perhaps she just needed justifications

it wasn't even a consideration of quitting work and

making the relationship work

but it was lose the relationship, work remains important.

She will leave the country when work allows her,

i'm not a consideration

She will call it quits in the relationship when problems arise

Love isn't a consideration

No one needs justifications for the lack of reasons to stay together,

the answer is obvious

maybe thats what hurts the most.



I cried myself silly in the shower

and i told myself

I don't need anyone's comfort

anyone's company,

anyone's words of advice

nor anyone's pity

or perspective...

I just need my old self

The self who said she will never let anyone hurt her

She will never need, depend or rely on anyone

the one who was always careful

always cynical, always ready to push away when necessarily

The one who knew when to close the doors, and which to close...

its my fault i let myself in

the door should have been kept closed



Well, i should get used to this

the "getting to know you all over again"

with myself.

there is no one i need to know better

than myself.

I will be happy and dreamy again

by myself.



I am.